Destiny Herndon-DeLaRosa

The Birth Plan

In Uncategorized on December 31, 2011 at 5:59 am

   When it comes to writing out a “birth plan,” it would be an understatement to say I’m a novice. With my past births the plan has been something like: drive to the hospital, get strapped down to a bed, have someone play darts along my spinal column until I’m as high as a kite, and then wait for my queue (usually a bright UFO descending from the ceiling) which tells me to “push.”

    With baby #4 though, we’ve decided to go a different route. I’m trading in the incessant beeping of the machine that goes ‘ping’ for a tub of hippie juice…in the middle of my living room…where I will get to swim with my own placenta. I know it’s not a dolphin, but hey, how many people can say they’ve done that? (Note to self: take picture with placenta for next year’s Christmas newsletter)

I don’t know if it’s because it’s my fourth child, or because the whole natural birthing process just seems so laid back, but I have to admit this kiddo’s gotten a lot less attention than the others. People ask how far along I am and I hesitate. “8…ish months?” It’s only a matter of time before someone reports me to the authorities, suspecting I’m one of those loons faking a pregnancy only to cut my neighbor’s baby out of her later. I swear though, I really do know how far along I am now. I signed up for e-mail alerts.

And thanks to those e-mails I know it’s time to start getting serious about “the plan.” I need to order birth tub tubes and buy a photo worthy bra. I need to decide whether I want to eat my placenta or plant it in my yard. Hey, don’t judge, I bet you’ve accidentally eaten dolphin before. And evidently I also have to document exactly how I want every moment of my natural homebirth to go. Let me just say that this whole exercise seems kind of cruel.

“Hey control freak, why don’t you go ahead and attempt to uber-map out an event that you have absolutely no control over so that you can get peeved at your t-minus 5 hour old fetus who’s now already disobeying you just like his siblings?”

Yeah. No thanks.

From day 1 my only request has been to have “the Katie Holmes experience.” I want it dark and I want to hear a whole lot of shut up. That’s about it. Since I’ve never had a non-medicated birth I have no idea how my body’s going to respond, but I think peace and quiet is a good starting place. I mean, I’m already bringing enough intensity to the party for all of us.

However, based on the paperwork my midwife gave me, she’s not going to let me off that easy. She wants deets. Big time.

Question #1 asks, “Who do you want at the birth?” Hm, I don’t really know. I mean, in the past I have had a very specific list of who was allowed in the room- only key players get to watch as my perineum is ripped apart and then reconstructed. But the hospital also made that decision kind of easy. They would only allow me to have a few people in the room, probably because they needed extra space for the doctor, 3 nurses, anesthesiologist, and full janitorial crew that came in as soon as I began to push (…and according to some reports, publically pooped. However, this source cannot be fully trusted…after all, he was the one who got me in this predicament). Luckily though, I was walking on sunshine by that point, and my modesty had flown right out the window along with the VIP list. You want to see what an episiotomy looks like? C’mon in! The more the merrier!

Without the help of sedatives though, I don’t know exactly how friendly I’ll be. I mean, I guess I’ll let my husband stay, but only if he can refrain from cracking jokes about my after birth. We get it. It looks like a brisket. I know that joke killed at the last birth, but go ahead and retire it please.

Question #2 reads, “What part does the father wish to play in the birth?” Hasn’t he already done enough? And I like how optional all of this is for him. Sure wish I could just check off the fun boxes like cutting the cord and catching the baby. Look, he’ll snap the picture of me and my dolphcenta.

Question #3, “Do you have any special requests for after the birth (i.e. a certain meal/beverage)?” What is this, death row? No. No special requests…at least not for me. The only “meal request” I have is that dear husband not go off for a 2 hour lunch at Luby’s with all of our visitors while I’m left behind coming down from a wicked epidural high. Oh, what’s that? You thought I forgot. Never. Neeeeever. As a matter of fact you might want to go ahead and pre-order your tombstone, otherwise you can bet a mention will be made of that stellar choice if your epitaph is left up to me.

Question #4, “How do you visualize your birth taking place?” Honestly? Bloody… traumatic….very WWII-ish… Oh, not honesty? I want it to be as real as a tampon commercial. I would like to give birth while spinning in a field of dandelions.

And finally, the last question, “how do you feel about pain in childbirth?” Well, obviously, I like to skip it. Is that going to be an option here? No? Ok, then. I’ve seen the hole, and I know how big my belly has gotten. And while I may or may not have failed high school geometry twice, I do know there’s absolutely no way my radius and junior’s radius will ever be congruent without my trapezoid becoming all types of obtuse. Bottom line, it’s going to be even more painful than high school geometry, but surprisingly I’m much less terrified of it. After all, one is very natural and the other is very not.

In the end, going through the birth plan questionnaire did actually prove helpful. With a basic ‘scientology birth’ as my starting point, I was able to figure out that I’d also like dim lighting, a back rub and some wine. So basically, I want to give birth in a ‘Color Me Badd’ video.  Do you think my midwife will understand that?

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