Destiny Herndon-DeLaRosa

Archive for September, 2014|Monthly archive page

Gymenemies

In Uncategorized on September 18, 2014 at 6:59 pm
Screen Shot 2014-09-12 at 8.43.09 AM

This guy, for sure.

Some times in order to cope with the feeling of imminent death by cardio I will compile a mental list of gymenemies (people I hate at the gym) while I work out. Here’s what I have so far:

1. The headphonesless dude who always gets on the elliptical right next to me. What are you doing? Just listening to me breathe? Yeah, I can only assume you’re a pervert.

2.The size zero fitness model who can work out on any of the empty treadmills, but picks the one directly in front of me. At first I tried to think of her like one of those Pinterest motivational graphics, but that didn’t work. At all. The only thing she motivate me to do is lose some water weight by crying into a cheesecake. And you know what, now that I think about it, she’s probably the real reason that headphonesless pervert is next to me.

Now I hate her two cheesecakes worth.

3.The dude who I can actually hear birthing new hemorrhoids every time he does a rep. He sounds like Serena Williams giving birth to a 19-pound baby whenever he exerts himself. Gross. I hope he has a good gastroenterologist on speed dial.

4. Sweaty butt crack imprinters. (Self explanatory)

5. The slimy trainers who try to flirt you into paying them for their services. I’m a mother of four, homie, I’m not falling for your creepy gym prostitution. I see right through you. Probably because your tanktop’s so stretched out.

6. The bro’s with arms the size of Thanksgiving turkeys and bulging veins that look like he’s actually turning into the hulk, like, right now. You kinda make me hate health, because gross.

hulk

7. People who have loud, private phone conversations while on the stair stepper. When I do it it’s cute. When you do it it’s obnoxious.

8. Older women who feel way too at home in the gym locker room. I’m already disappointed with how my body looks now, I don’t need a preview of where everything will be in 40 years.

9. People who fart. And not just because it’s nasty, but because usually they do it when we’re all in the same row of ellipticals, and I know odds are, I’m taking the blame for their stink with the guy next to me. How do I know this? Because I’m assuming it was him too. In reality, it was probably the fitness model in front of us though, because you can’t stay that skinny without a lot of fiber, and salads. She’s basically a walking fart bomb, y’all.

10. And finally, probably the worst, most awful people at the gym are writers who waste all their endorphins hyper-judging everyone else and then go home and create dumb blogs about it.

A Derekless Decade

In Uncategorized on September 12, 2014 at 4:07 pm

DestAndDerek

This picture was taken at my great grandmother’s funeral. We called her “Gogi,” but her real name was Edna. She went by “Eddie” to all her friends and she was my favorite. She was quick and witty, and a real ball buster. I’d visit her at least once a year, and in between those times we’d write letters back and forth. When she passed, even though it was expected, I was devastated. She was the first person I’d ever lost that I was truly close to.

I was afraid to go into the room for her viewing. I didn’t know if I wanted to see her that way… remember her that way. Derek stayed outside with me, handing me tissues and silently judging my theatrics. As we sat there while I tried to regain my composure, a funeral director walked by, and I remember this conversation taking place…

Me: “What are you looking at?”

Derek: “Just that guy… can you even imagine?”

Me: “Imagine what?”

Derek: “Working in a place where you’re surrounded by dead bodies all day long… poor… defenseless… dead bodies…”

*An evil grin stretched across his face*

Me: “Are you seriously making necrophiliac jokes at our great grandmother’s funeral?”

Derek: “Yes, yes I am.”

We both broke out in laughter and I was finally myself enough to go in and say goodbye to Gogi with Derek by my side. He always knew how to bring everything back into perspective. Today marks 10 years since Derek died, and I have to say I think his sense of humor is what I miss the most. He and Gogi always had that in common.

People often tell me that they don’t remember me being particularly funny in high school, and that’s because I wasn’t. I honestly believe I inherited this twistedness from Derek. I can only assume God wouldn’t let him into heaven with it, so he dropped it down on me.

It’s hard to imagine he and Gogi up there, all prim and proper, making tasteful jokes. When I finally go and we’re reunited at last, I’ll make sure to smuggle our sense of humor in with me. Because after all, if anybody’s earned the right to laugh at necrophilia jokes, it’s the dead.